Saturday, December 30, 2017

the kind of dementia I want

a coworker's alternate identity
One of the Vets in our VA assigns nicknames as simple as "therapist" and as complex as the above: "Goddess of Sandy Hill--Hallelujah--double-crossed."  Each interaction starts with him pausing, looking up, his hand on his chin as he pulls my 5 names out of his brain--sometimes in a slightly variant sequence, but really with remarkable consistency: "Goddess Mommy Fragile Humdrum 2 stars."  The other day he called out to me across the cafeteria: "Is that you, 2 stars?"  The etiology of the titles is uncertain, though I do wonder if I ever will be promoted to a higher rank.

Friday, December 15, 2017

falling on my head


OHMIGOSH.

In doing this painting, I DISCOVERED THAT ACRYLIC PAINT WATERED DOWN LOOKS WAY BETTER AND BRIGHTER AND FULLER THAN WATERCOLOR.  

And is way more plentiful, in way more shades, easier to squeeze out of bottles than those little watercolor tubes, and is especially better than the watercolor paint tube that must have gone bad it smells so bad, but I don't want to throw it away in case I need the color.
A surprising discovery to make after completing ~20 watercolor portraits.  

Hello, beautiful gray rain.
WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS BEFORE.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

art as a response to mistakes


I have been enjoying a book called Why We Write about Ourselves: Twenty Memoirists on Why They Expose Themselves (and Others) in the Name of Literature, Ed. Meredith Maran.
Some common themes emerge: the conscious shaping of a story without including every detail of the writer's life,  asking loved ones for permission to include particular parts, the discomfort that accompanies self-revelation, unintentionally offending a loved one and the rift and regret that follows, the conviction of entitlement to tell a story from one's own perspective.  

Potato stamps! Think the last time I used these my mom was doing the cutting.

On the subject of portraying themselves and others, a few authors make the point that at some point they commit themselves to showing the worst sides of themselves, while trying to protect others.  That is, they intentionally do not show mercy for themselves.  As David Sheff says, "If there was something I was afraid of telling about myself--because I was embarrassed, or afraid of judgment--I determined at the beginning that I was going to tell it."

Many of the memoirists are touched by the extent of connection their readers feel with their writing: the outpouring of letters, the personal stories readers feel compelled to share, the "me too"s, the universality that their particular story connects to.  Cheryl Strayed says, "Thousands--literally thousands--of people have told me that in reading Wild they realize their life is exactly like mine.  How can that be? And yet, it is."


Reading this book, I think about the ways we (including me) intentionally shape our stories on social media.  Through art, too, I think I intentionally shape something towards attractiveness, beauty, being well received.  In reading about an art form that culls up the worst parts of the artist, this morning I am more aware of how the process is not only a shaping of beauty but a response to mistakes.


So: The potato stamps were employed to distract from the imperfection of the lettering.


And, the paintings themselves to distract from imperfections in the wall.
I later changed the trail of the "p" because it looked too wonky.  So now it's thicker than I would prefer.

"Our stories are always somewhere within us.  We need only to get still enough to look." 
-Dani Shapiro

Sunday, November 26, 2017






Sometimes when I am doing art I feel like I am fed off of other artists' sounds.  
Recently, I've enjoyed the soothing tones of The Wailin' Jennys:
Also, I'm With Her: 
When I hear catchy lyrics, occasionally I think I'd like to create them in art form, but then I hesitate thinking a viewer will have that song stuck in her head all day.  Welp.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

repetition is not failure








only now do I catch a misspelling of repetition, twice
trying to get comfortable with water as a mechanism between watercolor paints
like the outer rim of the shadow produced by dragging paintbrush

And the moon is out,

again.


Monday, October 23, 2017

pause to take note of the sky


In mental health class in grad school, our professor asked us to name one habit we do each day just for ourselves.  Or something like that*.  
(What was the exact question, Sarah or Celeste?)
*what is in our Wellness Toolbox; thanks, Celeste.

For me, it was eating yogurt, raw oats, and frozen banana for breakfast.  Another classmate who lives in a particularly mindful way said at some point during each day, she tries to pause to take note of the sky.

I have thought of her at rare moments during the last three years 
when I have tried simply to pause and look up.  She herself captures beautiful scenes with her lens  (https://www.flickr.com/photos/oncemore/albums).

Her response inspired the wedding gifts below.  I usually buy from the registry because I think it respects someone's wishes and it is convenient.  However, sometimes I have the urge to give a more personal gift.

So here we go, abstract art.

what the sky looked like on the day of your wedding

Same concept, different wedding.  The sky was clear this day, so I decided to take shots from a few different angles and partition them out during framing for increased visual interest.  

Framing the sky: but which side is up?


Okay, and I was pleased with my wrapping job, too.  As a kid, I remember sometimes being embarrassed to bring a gift wrapped in newspaper comics to a birthday party.  In retrospect, I am grateful for my mom's environmentalism.  And due to my frugality/environmentalism/hunter-gatherer yearnings, I am reluctant to buy gift wrap supplies today.  

Kroger bags served the purpose.  I noticed the detached handles had some natural depth/shape to them, so it was easy to pair them up and then cut out a small dot of cardboard to stick in the center.  Ta-da: a bow.  Although before I did, I thought they looked like an infinity loop symbol for the wedding presents.  Getting pretty deep with this wrapping job, eh.  Besides schnitzel with noodles, this could be a new favorite thing.  

On the subject of sky, someone else can take up this project; I like the concept.  Over a specific time period, knit one row reflecting the color of the sky that day.  I think this would be a special gift for someone to represent a period of their live (engagement, pregnancy, cancer treatment).  

Fantastic idea. 365 day scarf, you knit a row each day representing the weather. How fun.
   (source: knittingpsycho.tumblr.com)

Saturday, October 21, 2017

your momma told ya

Don't lick the brushes.

"The second limit was far more insidious: radiation produced cancers.  The very effect of X-rays killing rapidly dividing cells--DNA damage--also created cancer-causing mutations in genes.  In the 1910's, soon after the Curies has discovered radium, a New Jersey corporation called U.S. Radium began to mix radium with paint to create a product called Undark--radium-infused paint that emitted a greenish white light at night.  Although aware of the many injurious effects of radium, U.S. Radium promoted Undark for clock dials, boasting of glow-in-the-dark watches.  Watch painting was a precise and artisanal craft, and young women with nimble, steady hands were commonly employed.  These women were encouraged to use the paint without precautions, and to frequently lick the brushes with their tongues to produce sharp lettering on watches.  

Radium workers soon began to complain of jaw pain, fatigue, and skin and tooth problems.  In the late 1920's, medical investigators revealed that the bones in their jaws has necroses, their tongues had been scarred by irradiation, and many had become chronically anemic (a sign of severe bone marrow damage).  Some women, tested with radioactivity counters, were found to be glowing with radioactivity.  Over the next decades, dozens of radium-induced tumors sprouted in these radium-exposed workers--sarcomas and leukemias, and bone, tongue, neck, and jaw tumors.  In 1927, a group of five severely affected women in New Jersey--collectively termed 'Radium girls' by the media--sued U.S. Radium.  None of them had yet developed cancers; they were suffering from the more acute effects of radium toxicity--jaw, skin, and tooth necrosis.  A year later, the case was settled out of court with a compensation of $10,000 each to the girls, and $600 per year to cover living and medical expenses.  The 'compensation' was not widely collected.  Many of the Radium girls, too weak even to raised their hands in court, died of leukemia and other cancers soon after their case was settled."

A few months ago, I met someone who was talking about the harmful effects of drinking milk who referenced The China Study by T. Colin Campbell.  I read the book and since have been somewhat immersed in the topics of diet (specifically, a Whole Foods Plant-Based diet) and cancer.  Campbell grew up on a dairy farm is is well acquainted with the Standard American Diet ("SAD").  The particular argument Campbell makes is that casein, the protein found in cow's milk, is correlated with health risks for chronic diseases including heart disease and diabetes and that excess protein intake increases carcinogenic activity.  Campbell extols the Whole Foods Plant-Based (WFPB) diet as the solution to prevent or diminish the impact of these chronic conditions.  

Artist sidenote: casein is also a water-soluble medium used by artists, like tempera paint.

The WFPB informational sources I've found are adamant that iron and protein needs are fairly easily met within the diet.  They also like to boast their WFPB super-athletes.

The quote above is from The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer, by Siddhartha Mukherjee.  Mukherjee notes the misperception cancer as a modern illness, citing its occurrence in the earliest of humankind (tumors in Egypt in 2500 B.C. and breast cancer occurrence in 440 B.C.).  Although cancer was present it was rare.  Says Mukheerjee, "Civilization did not cause cancer, but by extending human life spans, civilization unveiled it."

The WFPB diet distinguishes itself from veganism with its emphasis on health rather than an ideology such as environmentalism or animal rights.  It purports to provide all of the essential nutrients with the exception of B12 (deficiency of which can cause anemia or nervous system damage), for which a supplement is recommended.  Apparently, B12 is made by anaerobic microorganisms that exist in the gut of animals; animal products (meat, eggs, cheese) are the primary source of vitamin B12 in the American diet.  B12 exists in animals because animals ingest feces, have bacterial contaminations of their food, or eat other animal products.  The risk of low B12 is an elevation of homocysteine levels, causing increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and pregnancy complications.  Thus taking a B12 supplement is recommended for all adults over age 50, regardless of diet.

Reading about diet also makes me reflect on a Ted Talk entitled "The moral roots of liberals and conservatives," by Jonathan Haidt.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs41JrnGaxc  Haidt identifies 5 universal foundations of morality: harm/care, fairness/reciprocity, ingroup/loyalty, authority/respect, purity/sanctity.  Regarding the purity/sanctity virtue, he defines purity as the idea of gaining virtue by controlling what you do with or put into your body, and that whereas the political right may moralize sex, the political left is doing it with food.  I realize diet has occupied much consciousness in recent American thought and wonder to what degree I am a pawn within a larger social sphere.  

Currently, the American Cancer Society recommends maintaining a healthy weight, limiting processed meat and red meat, eating at least 2.5 cups of vegetables and fruits a day, and choosing whole grains.  The Alzheimer's Association promotes a heart-healthy diet, highlighting the DASH (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension) and the Mediterranean diets.  Of course, writing all this makes me want to acknowledge that cancer is multifactorial and horrible.  My interest has been to learn about any factors that are within my control, and I acknowledge that research is ongoing and that cancer and disease affect the healthiest among us.  

The following are some resources I've come across along the way.
Resources:
nutritionfacts.org - Dr. Michael Greger, M.D., FACLM
*Interesting study for fellow migraine sufferers: taking 1/8 teaspoon of powdered ginger at the onset of a headache has the same effect as the medicine Sumatriptan.  I've tried it once or twice and it kinda seems to work.

Documentary Films:
Forks Over Knives
What the Health?
Conspiracy
PlantPure Nation

Food blogs:
Oh She Glows (http://ohsheglows.com)
Forks Over Knives (https://www.forksoverknives.com)
T. Colin Campbell Center for Nutrition (http://nutritionstudies.org/recipes/) - author of The China Study
Happy Herbivore (https://happyherbivore.com)
Amy's Vegan Day (http://amysveganday.blogspot.com) - my friend Amy  

When I adopted a vegetarian diet 8 years ago, I did so for various reasons, but would not have done so if I did not believe it was also healthy.  

The biggest drawback to eating a more restrictive diet is doubtless the burden it imposes on any host. Like most humans, I attempt to be minimally burdensome and think I have generally felt so as a vegetarian (either that or I have become blind to accommodations a host is making).  As minimally as I will want others to adapt/change/be inconvenienced by my diet, I also realize that hosts (not the least of which are family members) will likely feel put-out by needing to rethink, gather strange or new ingredients, and make extra or different dishes than otherwise.  I also sadden at the prospect of not experiencing particular family recipes. 

On the flip side, in principle I think a commitment to a particular diet could allow me a greater sense of resolution in not eating foods that I should probably avoid anyhow.  I would hope that adherence to a strict diet would help me to prioritize human interactions over eating at social gatherings.  In general, I prefer not to eat out.  I think adherence to the diet could allow me greater resolve in saying "no," to that to which I would otherwise perhaps like to say "no" to.  

Anyways, I'm still not over the cliff, but the wind is playing in my sails.  Regardless, I figure the more veggies the better, right?  Which is what we always knew.  Which is what your mother told you.  Eat fresh foods, eat colorful foods, eat a variety of foods.

And, there's the pleasing resonance that eating more vegetables/fruits happens to be more beneficial for our world.  

inspired by the style of Aijung Kim.  http://aijungkim.com/home.html
"Good artists copy; great artists steal."
More of the looking-into I'd like to do is to explore the rate of disease in particular nations and how that correlates to a typical diet for that country.  

Blah Blah Blah.  This is what a blog is for: for me to write down my thoughts to see what I think.  Please feel free to disagree, and I especially welcome any other reputable, non-biased sources.


Friday, September 22, 2017

trim the table


I was inspired to create this, moved by the simple beauty of Claire Hitchin's "People Look East." I came across Claire's name this week while researching performers at Richmond's upcoming Folk Fest.  The schedule is out!  She is a former Jesuit Volunteer and seems a lovely individual.  Naturally ;).

There is something about the change of color and cooling of the world, the earlier evenings, that soothes my cold introvert heart.

Although the song is traditionally one of preparation for Christmas, there's something in the change of weather that's already gently inviting us to turn inward.  The cool beckons us to gather ourselves up, trim our hearths, attend to things closer to home.  

And it's September, PRACTICALLY CHRISTMAS, so I am sharing it here.

"People Look East" is #7:


Wednesday, September 6, 2017

One thing I'm learning


I have been listening to Mom & Me & Mom, one of Maya Angelou's autobiographies, during my commute.  Although typically I have difficulty with the start-stop of listening to books on tape, I find her slow voice and particular style of enunciation captivating.  It seems ironic to listen to this measured, gravelly voice reflecting on a youth that includes what I perceive to be knee-jerk and foolhardy choices.  Although I'm slower to admit it, perhaps I am also surprised that this tempered persona became such by rough, sometimes violent interactions.




The VMFA provided a space for some quiet reflection one Sunday morning this summer.  What I mostly remember about this scene is wondering how the ladies sitting near me knew each other: 3 women with British accents appeared to be in their 40's to 50's, who clearly saw each other regularly as was deduced both by their conversation and by their silence.

"I use the word love, not so much meaning sentimentality, but a condition so strong that it may be that which holds the stars in their heavenly positions and that which causes the blood to flow orderly in our veins."  Maya Angelou

Thursday, August 24, 2017

penitence and the sea







"Break the rules and you go to prison. Break the prison rules and you go to Alcatraz."

Alcatraz served as a Federal Penitentiary from 1934 to 1963. Unlike a prison, the primary purpose of a penitentiary (root: "penitent") was to effect some signs of remorse and change in convicts who would stay for a period of time before returning to their prison of origin.  

Meals were taken in silence.


By good behavior, inmates could earn access to particular leisure pursuits.


After a 19-month occupation by Native Americans at the end of the 1960's, it became a national park.   

Today, in addition to welcoming tourists, the island functions as a bird sanctuary. 







Tuesday, August 8, 2017


I recently read, Without You There Is No Us, by Suki Kim.

Suki chronicles her time as an undercover journalist, while also working as a teacher, in North Korea.  She teaches at PUST, Pyongyang University of Science and Technology.  There, she teaches English to young adult males.

Through the book, Suki draws us into her universe where communication with the world outside the schoolyard walls is severely hampered.  She speaks of a sense of exhaustion that comes from being "on guard" throughout much of her waking hours.  

She describes the students as a few decades delayed in their knowledge of world events and pop culture.  For example, they know of Michael Jordan but not LeBron James.  They know the Beatles, but they have never read Harry Potter.  
It is very hard to picture that these scenes occur in 2011.

Class topics must be approved and private discussions are strictly monitored.
Rare field trips off campus are supervised and often are a charade performed by local townspeople.  The bus rides for long stretches, 90 miles, without passing another car.  

Along these routes, Suki notices young children occasionally sitting along the roadside.  
She realizes, these roads are their front porches.  
These roads are their town squares.  

I recommend the read.  

Monday, July 31, 2017

my precious



all that is gold does not glitter
not all that wander are lost

the road goes ever on and on 
down from the door where it began
now far ahead the road has gone,
and i must follow, if i can
pursuing it with eager feet,
until it joins some larger way
where many paths 
    and errands meet.
and whither then?  

cannot say

JRR tolkien


Sunday, July 16, 2017

what's brewing

batch #1: watermelon + hint of basil 
more fun to brew or create labels?



kombucha = fermented tea

Tidbits from Storm in a Teacup: The Physics of Everyday Life:

diamonds sparkle because light moves more slowly through them
everything with mass has a gravitational force: so New Zealand is pulling us right now, 
it is just that that its force is weak
rise in Earth's temperatures ->melting ice->oceans rise
but also because hot water takes up more space than cold water
it's not so much heat rises, but that cold (denser) sinks
heat something->atoms move faster

just as it's been peaking over 100*, conditions are right to try a little home brewing


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

in dependence


independence, in dependence.
no one wants to be dependent, and yet.

styling, an art form unto itself: http://amymerrick.com
as healers, to what degree are we complicit in what the healed do?
are we responsible for only our moment in the assembly line, 
or can we be naive about the end product, what the healed hands will be used for?

"If it does not all combine to convey some general view of life, it is not education at all" 
- g.k. chesterton

the tipping point of dew a metaphor for incarnation
black tea on a rainy evening



Sunday, June 25, 2017

sitting with it


accountability 
Carytown

letter of St. Ignatius

little prince

sun. Sunday.  longest day of the year this week.  becoming accountable to silence.  reading on the body and psychosomatic illness.  need to finish Lord of the Rings before it is due in two days.  feeling the release of silence.  easing into the in between and now.  striving to choose meaning over entertainment.  wondering how best to keep knowledge contained.  therapy as kinesthetic learning: the only way to go is through.  


have not yet been outside.  first or second: encounter elves.
considering fermentation.  
auguste rodin: patience is also a form of action.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

rainy art


rain evening
impatient art
no run
ate the last Klondike
and opened a bag of chips instead
circa 40 minutes 
art 
not waiting for it to dry
spilling ink on my desk and computer
worth it